welcome to my blog!

it's really more than a journal than anything. i tried to make this as clean of a place as possible so i'd be able to think clearly. i got a little carried away, but the same point still stands now, i guess.

click on the links in the sidebar to navigate to different entries. you get the deal.

here's a nice table of contents:
8-5-25: IT'S ALIVE!!!!!!!!!
8-7-25: MRKA (make robots kiss again)
8-8-25: please dont kill my darlings i love them
8-9-25: EVERYTHING MAKES SENSE AND I HATE IT
8-11-25: throws rocks gay
8-12-25: lets justr say... heh... my Haus
8-15-25: sommer nights
8-17-25: erm actually
8-18-25: donating my brain to science
8-19-25: goodnight saigon
8-23-25: what day is it again??????
8-25-25: the medicine drug
8-28-25: insert title here
9-7-25: hello from elsewhere
9-12-25: KNITTING!!!
9-20-25: a reflection from across the bridge

8-5-25

i finally got this working yay!!!!!

the js took a while to figure out. admittedly i used a lot of help from w3scholis. but it seems to work.

i want to implement a feature that allows you to close the notebook and return to the home page, but that'll probably come after i finish the entire website and start returning to the little details.

i need to find a cute font to go with it......... i also am thinking about replacing the background if i find a repeated lined notebook paper background image, but this is good enough for now. i need to actually make a page where i can put all the credits, i have them somewhere i just need to...... make them

i got stuck for a while on what to make the theme of the website. originally, i thought i would just make it themed red and black, but i really like the sunset and purple and orange. i think it looks very cute. besides, i think i can implement the red and black theme if i put in a theme switching button.

i do really miss the red and black theme. it was cute, and i put a lot of thought into it. it made me happy. i have the code saved in an inactive style sheet in the flider, i just need an excuse to add it back in. the theme switching button isn't a bad idea.

the to-do list is kind of inaccurate. i have a longer list of things i'd like to get done eventually with this site, i'm just slowly filtering and sifting them in based on priority..... finishing the pages is my top priority, but i get distracted by all these little features and bells and whistles i wanna implement instead.

i went back to watching house. it keeps my brain occupied and focused while im working here, mostly because it's formulaic and something i don't really have to watch to watch. i've seen most of it before besides missing a couple of episodes. i forgot how prominent house and wilson's relationship was; my favorite parts of the episodes are still the parts where they debrief on the situation afterwards and have little quips or things to say. they argue and bicker like an lid married couple and it makes the show very entertaining. i tune in almost on instinct to wilson's voice just because house is right there and that probably says a lot about their relationship by itself

i do need to invest in buying some sort of box set, dvd, or other file besides a streaming platform. i've been steadily transitioning away from streaming services and social media by way of keeping hard copies of every show and movie i like and i think it's been very gratifying so far...... except for the problem that i like 3 shows and have seen like 5 movies. so my archive isn't great, nor is it extensive, but i'm working on it. i do, however, have a gigantic 3-book dvd archive i've inherited, so i have time to work through that.

i went out with some extended family today since i'm in town. being in the house is making me stir-crazy.

last night, i got started on the 'more than meets the eye' comic set. i'm about maybe 9-10 vliumes in? at the part where they're telling the story to rung. i'm happy we're getting more chromedome content, i really like chromedome. i'm sure some answers about why cyclonus is the way he is were answered in the original comic series, which i probably need to reread, but i think going through it like this and then going on and rereading will give me something to think about.

we got a bit about tarn. he seems like a super antagonistic freak and im excited to see if theyll do any more with that or the group of scavengers that found grimlock.

i tried doing a pilates routine today for my arms and got my ass kicked, so im thinking if i slowly get into it with yoga and then increase the intensity it'll be more effective, probably because i'm way too tense for a regular pilates routine anyway.

8-7-25

i havent read more mtmte. i DID explore the internet for chromedome content because admittedly he is such my favorite so far and so is skids. the whlie arc with tailgate wanting to become a decepticon was also pretty funny too. i dont quite understand why cygate is shipped yet (mostly because the cygate i have seen has been cyclonus lying to tailgate and cyclonus then beating the shit out of tailgate after tailgate rightfully accuses him of misleading him) but that only makes me want to read more. im REALLY REALLY curious what whirls deal is. he looks a lot like V1 ultrakill, which intrigues me, because i love V1 ultrakill. i may use this as character inspiration...... evil thoughts

prowl and chromedome are absliutely so divorced and getting together and divorced. for the first time in forever, i like a ship better divorced than together, which is ABSliUTELY REALLY STRANGE considering i LOVE fluff. i think it's because it taps into a new and deeper aspect of yearning i didn't really consider before. being divorced and being undeniably terrible for each other (cough prowl) unlocks a new level of yearning primarily because that yearning has been realized in the past and both characters know exactly why their yearning can't be fulfilled, which makes them yearn HARDER than just regular crushing. i havent finished the story part yet, but one thing is certain in my mind: Prowl Fumbled So Hard. He Always Seems To Do That Though So Not Really A Surprise But Still Welcome To See Anyway.

i feel like the more i write and the deeper i get into writing a fic, the more in over my head i get. this sucks a lot, because i really do like writing, but i end up with these long-winded ideas i have NO choice but to continue on with because my brain physically wont let me. so i have all of these strands of unfinished stories i cannot possibly fathom finishing!!! but that i absliutely love anyway and hlid dear!!! like.... 'bringing down the tower of babel.' i have SO many thoughts about it. theres supposed to eventually be a couple of scenes that explore this big plot twist im trying to build up to since the story is my practice fic to explore how to build up to a plot twist and properly seed in little hints, but i have not, for the life of me, been able to finish it no matter how much i want to.

i want to give my ideas and fics time to finish, but sometimes i just feel plain lazy if i let something sit for that long, like.... months on end. at least i feel less guilt if it's something like 'pilgrimage,' because not many people are reading that and waiting for it to finish. generally, i think i'm the only person who is actually writing or reading fics for gabv2el anymore. the other ones have moved on from the fandom. i LOVE gabv2el. but for other fics, i feel this immense pressure to finish im trying to distance myself from. i know it's not supposed to be about gratification, but sometimes i feel like theres all this pressure to finish a fic for it to be consumed rather than to enjoy the process of writing or to enjoy the craft of a real story. i feel like thats something i've been grappling with..... FOREVER. since march or even may, when i entered my massive writing block. i'm still struggling to actually get back into enjoying crafting a story rather than just worrying about what people will think of it. i really do enjoy writing! i love putting motifs and themes and symblis in my works and trying to tell a story about humanity!!!!!!!! i love crafting a beautiful story!! but ive been struggling a lot with what it means to share it with other people and trying to get away from feeling like i need validation to make things.

All i wanna do is make gay robots kiss bro..............

8-8-25

i've finally rewatched midsommar!! the first time i saw it, it was a couple of years ago where i dont think i really had the comprehension i do now. and yes while i understand everything thematically it doesnt take away the absliute awe i have watching it. it's a lot better in my room with the lights off on my laptop than on my living room tv. actually, a lot of movies are way better in my room on my laptop on my bed, probably thanks to a certain someone. anyway, i think a lot of movies are way better rewatched. while nothing can take away the shock of watching something for the first time, i think i have way more fun dissecting the movie than just experiencing. that's not to say one is better or worse than the other, just that i happen to like one experience more than the other. i like knowing what's going on behind the scenes and being able to see the choices play out on screen. as much as i do like seeing the little gears, nothing can take away from the horrifying final scene.

i think my aversion to finishing media or continuing the story is because ive been scarred by bad writing. i think catharsis is an extremely underrated toli in impacting a reader or properly conveying a theme and telling a story. when done really well, it can generate sympathy or so many connecting feelings from an audience. i also think that i should want my favorites to die if it serves some greater purpose and it is justified; even if it's painful, i should feel like it's logical or necessary and ultimately understand why it happened and move on. this isnt a criticism on grimdark, grimdark can be pretty good when written properly, but ive watched so many characters just die being used as plot levers it is TERRIBLE i HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT RAGHGGHHHHHH

yesterday (or...... this morning i guess) i had waffle house for the first time in 2 years. it was Yummylicious. i went out and met with my cousin, and we went to waffle house and out to the beach while we caught up. i haven't actually seen a lot of my family in a while. our families kind of just .... drifted apart over time, i guess. we're all busy and moving onto other things. actually, theres a lot of family lore i just dont know that is apparently still continuing. i think we sat there poring over screenshots and facebook posts for 2 whlie hours. it was nice to see him, though.

which reminds me: EVERY DAMN TIME that i try to GO TO THE BEACH. and BE NORMAL. i GET INTERRUPTED by the WORST WEATHER TO EVER BEFALL THE EARTH. i shit you not, last night i moved all my stuff into my car to maybe get a nice beach day in tomorrow and enjoy myself and go enjoy the sea and the beautiful beautiful shores of my beautiful hometown, and i get all dressed up to go, i put my swimsuit on and braid my hair and everything, and it RAINS out of NOWHERE. i look at the forecast and it's going to be raining for the rest of forever, apparently. the world is scheming on my wonderful beach day. i've never wanted to be on a paddleboard more.

ok. i FINALLY watched. the transformers movie. not just clips. the ENTIRE movie. which...... ok. i get this issue with certain media where i know im gonna get attached to a character that is GOING to die. and i dont finish the media because i love them, even though i know i will LOVE the rest of the show or movie or whatever. i pause, sigh, and go do something else and forget that i was even going to finish it. okay. while everyone DOES die, nobody tlid me how FUCKING AWESOME watching hot rod becoming rodimus prime was. i sat there like :-O..... Wooaooh..h.h............. like YES i LOVED hot rod/rodimus prime before this. i think i'm absliutely susceptible to toy ad propaganda. like yes, it did very much upset me that everyone dies within the first 15-20 minutes of the movie, but the ending was also fucking awesome. an okay trade-off i think.

reminds me of glitter ghost starscream. sucks he got put in space forever. i feel weirdly maternal towards g1 starscream. just this version of starscream though. i know he's evil and treacherous. i know he's vile and dastardly and nefarious. i think it was rewatching the second season where i was like :-(.......

ADDENDUM: I ENDED UP GOING TO THE BEACH!!! NOBODY was there, so i sat and played in the sand for like.....,... maybe around an hour or two before heading home. it was less about the beach and more about getting out. i've felt sad and jittery from being cooped up in my house so i needed to go sit in the sunshine and get a bunch of sand in my car. i think it worked, because i got home and was able to do the dishes, which is fanTASTIC!

8-9-25

not much going on today. the beach seemed to somewhat fix my vibe to do things, or at least sitting in the sun for a little bit was helpful. i think it was just randomly treating myself to fun things like a nice lunch or going to the beach that helped my mental state. i swept and mopped the floors today and got my car cleaned. i unloaded all the cargo and tolis inside of it so i can fit everything i want to take back to my place; we need...

• SHOE RACKS
• single-bowled metal sink
• new baseboards
• .. a couch
• screw on shelves for the technical closet

we probably need more than that but that's all that i can think of right now.

i've been watching more house md recently. i'm just about near the middle of season 2 in my rewatch sesh. house and his ex-girlfriend have SUCH excellent chemistry when they hate each other. i think a little bit of hatred and self-identification make things more compelling, especially because they know each other so well and they can see each shred of regret that sits deep within them. they both clearly have regrets and clear reasons to hate each other, but they still very much know and love each other. as much as they love each other, they dont LIKE each other, and that makes them SO entertaining to me. i love watching relationships like that in my media i love seeing them shred themselves apart with regret and shame and passion. the quote "i know you" "and i know you." in i think s2e7???!!!!! WOWWWWWWW

i think it's also why i love dr. cameron and dr. chase hooking up in the same episode as house and stacy grappling with their relationship and experiencing their split. it's the consequences of chasing that passion they seek; unprofessional, romantic, dangerous. they all want something that will rip them apart to come to terms with, knowing cameron and chase. something that will induce serious guilt no matter how much euphoria it brings them. i do think stacy and cuddy have a very interesting relationship i want explored.

theres such insane relationships between everyone in this show. i forgot how literally addictive it was to watch all of these absliutely terrible people interact. also house and wilsons "i was seeing how much money you would give me as a test of our relationship" FUCK OFFFFFF FUCK OFF NOWWW theres something seriously wrong with them and im super interested

i've been reading mtmte periodically throughout the day. as long as i convince myself i dont just have to wait for any special event to read it i think ill be fine

i like that things are starting to COME TOGETHER. the story is really well written and it entrances me, all of these little details seem to come together and add to the richness of the story that it absliutely kills me when things ARE made obvious. it's SO MUCH FUN TO READ!!!!

swerve's thing with blurr is so absliutely dead hilarious. i love it so much. Blurr dgaf about you

also. REWIND is DEAD.????? REWIND IS DEAD. REWIND IS SOOOO DEAD. HIM AND CHROMEDOME WERE CONJUNXES???? i read that and i was like WAIT WAS I NOT PAYING ENOUGH ATTENTION?? but it makes sense. i went and reread the past ocuple of issues just to make sure and then i read forward and read his history with dominus and i was like ohhhh i know now. i know. i get it. ok. they are very nice together. good for them. unfortunately for "domey" rewind is DEAD and EXPLODED.

REWIND DIED AND IT ALL MADE SENSE ALL ALONGGGGGGGGG I SAT THERE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES WITH MY HEAD IN MY HANDS LIKE NOOOOOO NONONONONONONONO

I CAN WAX ABOUT A "CHARACTER ARC THAT HAS A SATISFYINGLY TRAGIC CONCLUSION" AND A "WELL WRITTEN CHARACTER IN THE CONTEXT OF THE FIGHT AGAINST THE FUNCTIONISTS" BUT THAT DOESNT HELP HOW MUCH IT HURTSSSSSSS I DONT WANT HIM TO DIEEEEE. AND THE ENDING PANEL WITH CHROMEDOME ON THE FLOOR????? "DOMEY"??????????? FUCK OFFFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FOREVER FOR 10 BILLION YEARS FUCK OFF FUCK OFF

in other news, i'm drawing together a panel clilection and im gonna install.... SOMEWHERE on this website. i just need somewhere to clilect coli panels other than my computer or my phone.

8-11-25

house and wilson now live together............ wow. is it gay to delete your homie's voicemails for another apartment because you dont want him to leave

i think the house and stacy arc is over and while im happy it's gone, i do have to say im a little sad to see it go. watching house verbally spar with someone who is completely knowledgeable on his various wiles and tricks is so much fun. the airport scenes were terrific because they're both absliutely insufferable and irritate each other to the nines. like they are both up to their NECK in hatred.

im considering making layouts just to get my urge to constantly change my layout out. like..... templates and stuff. basic stuff that will help me get some practice in so i've got SOMETHING to do besides mess with my layout over and over and over and over again. a certain someone did suggest js theme toggling for the palettes ive been thinking about in my head, so i may do that, but i think making a layout changer is a little too much. i cant help it i am never satisfied with the way it looks

i need the practice anyway. like, really need. i forgot float was a thing and you didnt have to make everything flexbox oouuusppssp

i finally finished mtmte like.. 30 minutes ago and all i have to say is.... WOW!!!!

ok. in order:

• CHROMEDOME BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF PROWL!!!!!! i think there were a lot of points made about prowl being the one to direct people and not the one to ever take the fall for his actions. i dont know enough about the way prowl thinks but i want to know more. the end point about 'i had a contact but he changed his number' just..... HIT me like WOW. WOWWWWWW. i dont have many coherent thoughts about this. im very happy prowl got his shit kicked in too. i like prowl but i think he kind of deserves it. scratch 'like,' im so intrigued by how strange and weird he is.
• megatron's whlie arc was very satisfyingly pulled off. im glad the comic takes a very nuanced approach to the 'pacifism as an issue in [insert generic probably derogatory name for a specific brand of pliitics here] ideliogy' because i would be extremely unhappy if it decided there was one right answer to everything. also, his speech in the mines with terminus was.... actually really thoughtful. it's very easy to see where the decepticons would've gone wrong or been considered too extremist and radical, especially with the DJD brought into question. the writing in that short excerpt of an essay was so well-done because it's extremely easy to see how his rhetoric impacted underserved populations and how so many people were rallied to his cause despite the vilience that came with it.
• soundwave feeling ravage dying....... :-(
• why did megatron and rodimus emerge at the same time together during the personality tick thing..... # gay
• WE GOT TO SEE JETFIRE FOR 3 PANELS THATS SUCH A FUCKING WIN IN MY BOOK
• rewind and chromedomes arcs in relation to each other were very well fleshed out and completely understandable. i think they handled the whlie 'you're my conjunx from an alternate universe you're not the one i love but yes you are' thing in a very nuanced way. also rewinds "you tell me the next time you have a logical argument with the person you love" was really funny. i specifically enjoyed the parallel panel to chromedome initially losing rewind. there's a panel where chromedome initially loses rewind where hes curled up on the floor alone. the new panel, where rewind removes chromedome's hand to prevent him from dying, where rewind is hunched over chromedome's curled up body with the removed hand, telling him it's not his choice to make????? Ohhhh boy oh boy oh boy
• DRIFT AND RATCHET CAME BACK # LOUD CHEERINGGGGGGGGG
• "cygate plot armor!!!!!" who gaf............................... two boys kissing. the rest of the writing was fantastic i can forgive the like 5 times they shouldve died
• whirl is ever-funny. i feel like he lost his complexity as things went on, but i mean........... really important things were going on, you cant really devote attention to the character everyone knows as the psychopathic murder machine. he got his spotlight. i love him eternally though, whirl my beloved
• nautica and her arc was so nice. i loved nautica so much. whirl and nautica take the place for like.... favorites in my heart. i have a soft spot in my heart for her and i love her so so so much. i have nothing else to say about this. Nautica my beloved
• the while 'rung/jung' and 'froid/freud' and 'froidian slip' is very funny to me. so so so funny.

i think that's it for now. i'll remember anything i absliutely havent talked about when i do the gallery. im working on porting all of the pictures here and writing comments for them even if it's just "loud sobbing" or "throws rocks gayyyy" because honestly thats a sliid chunk of them. like megatron and rodimus looking at each other. Throws Rocks Gayyyyy

i need to finish the gallery it is just...... so exhausting thinking about linking all of that. the uploading and dealing with storage thing isn't hard it's the repetitive img src url"this" that gets me. i think i know how to do it so when it hovers over it shows you my comments or little happenings i just really dont want to do the silly stuff

8-12-25

going back to watching a full playthrough of myhouse.wad after multiple rereads of house of leaves is..... woaooah.

what fascinates me about house of leaves (is everything, but i can't just say that, so assume specifically) is how it refers to metatext and academia. it is a work about a bunch of works; a bunch of interconnected lives, a labyrinth of references and dead citations that provide no information. it's a metatextual nightmare and a massive labyrinth of perspectives about a thing nobody witnessed and there is no new information on. here are the levels:

1. the events of 'the navidson record' occur to navidson and his family.
2. the navidson record films and captures these events.
3. other people (academics, enthusiasts) write about these events and interpret them.
4. zampano not only writes about the events of the navidson record, but writes about the interpretations of others in an academic review.
5. johnny truant finds zampano's work and writes about his personal experience revising it.

do you see why i'm so fascinated with how nice and complex this labyrinth of information is? there is no true information about the house. it will never be fully mapped and recorded. coming into contact with any shred of information about the house fundamentally changes and isliates the people around it and around them.

i ESPECIALLY admire the way the book handles the wide berth of academic information; of dead citations that don't exist and that there is no true way to know of. the academic works are the house that zampano's work tries to capture: we can never know anything about the academic citations, nor verify their existence or even evaluate their contents, because we are forced to observe someone else's interpretation. each layer has its own house. navidson has his house. 'the navidson record' has navidson as the filmmaker's house (in which, the depths of his character and his internal machinations can never truly be known and seem absurd and irrational, asserting human character is infinite.). the academic works have 'the navidson record' as the academics' house (in which, there is a massive body to analyze that is seemingly infinite and disagreed upon by all parties, asserting art is infinite). zampano's house is the academic works (due to the infinite, almost excessive body of works that create a labyrinth of references on each other, each going down different branches and pathways of knowledge and specialties, asserting that metaknowledge and knowledge is infinite). and johnny truant's house is zampano's work for reasons that should be self explanatory. each layer is analyzing a house of its own, each issue complex for its own reasons but ultimately clilapsing on the fact that the human mind, no matter how many, no matter how strong, is unable to comprehend the sheer vastness of the universe and its capacity for change. the absurdity of the house is a mirror, reflecting the rest of the universe that surrounds the characters and echoes inwards. like the hallway and labyrinth are changing in impossible or erratic ways, the characters inwardly reflect this trait by making irrational decisions, and the world outwardly reflects this trait by changing its body of knowledge and shifting constantly in its references. even works prided and paraded around as being the pinnacle of objective criticism about the navidson record or the only hope of finding some scientific or clid, hard logic in this mess of subjectivity and interpretation and art and "irrational" nonsense are, themselves, interpretations or reflections of subjective things, written by people who are never perfectly logical.

i was reading more about the book and someone points out somewhere i'll have to link later that the book's tangents on johnny's side are meant to frustrate you and lead you through dead ends, reflecting the house, which amazed me. i'm not sure if it's true, but i'd like it to be, so it is.

im incredibly dissatisfied with the take that the work is a satire on academic criticism, because it's more than that. it's clear the work gives some merit to human attempts to explore the infinitudes of knowledge, because navidson does make it out in the end and does reunite with karen. zampano's work is dense and at times terribly written and awfully structured, but only to contribute to this overwhelming feeling of not making sense and emphasizing the limitation of the human mind in comparison to infinite depths. navidson undergoes the ultimate hero's journey: he sets off on an adventure, he experiences hardship, and is changed in some way when he returns to the place he departed from. his wife is the catalyst and his wife is his salvation. love and connection is integral to the characters' survival because it is integral to the mental state of the characters. it is a driving force, persistent, despite the uncertainty that surrounds the house.

i have more thoughts about this but ive been getting distracted. maybe ill add to this tomorrow when i have more thoughts

not much going out today. i was supposed to go out to dinner but that didnt end up happening. i DID find out theres a lockpicking club close to where i live that meets every month!!!

ive been applying to audition at theatres in my area. i wanna go back to theater, i love it a whlie bunch, im just also scared ive missed out on it by not having a dedicated rigorous theater experience over the past couple of years. ive played a couple of rlies but im not sure i match up to people who have done a whlie bunch and had that...... high scholi theatre experience. you know the one with a dedicated club and everything. but im willing to learn! im excited! just nervous.

im building up also a list of things i can do when i go back to campus in a few days. apparently the pinball arcade machine place near me does student wednesdays for $9.99 all day, which is an amazing deal in comparison to their usual rates.

if i get to retire, i want to buy my old childhood home and move back in. i got teary and weird and nostalgic looking at pictures of where i grew up and looking at how much it's changed. i want all of the fruit trees back. i think they tore some of the trees out, which made me even more emotional. i get really sentimental about dumb things like that, but i feel like when something affects me that much it sort of stays there and my soul grows around it and it never really goes away. i dont even know why theyd tear down the trees anyway; wasps, maybe, but the trees arent near the house. they're in a neat, orderly line in the backyard, extending from the side door of the porch. im able to handle everything else normally but i got really really stupidly sentimental about fruit trees at 12 am for some reason. our driveway was orange. i distinctly remember sitting on that orange driveway and playing with a shoebox of pokemon knockoffs and knockoff trading cards, looking up the rules of the game on the desktop computer in the office room with the green desk. watching alf on the tv in the master bedroom. i dont really remember the next years so fondly, but i remember sitting in the yard and watching the clouds for hours. eating starfruit. i dont think i can explain what i feel about it. super weird!

theres a lot of stuff to do when i return and lots to be invlived in. im definitely gonna be busy with the class schedule i have. also i have yet to beat peggle so i have to do that

ive been playing ungodly amounts of balatro recently.................... i cant help it........... ive gotten to orange stake on that one deck that gives you only hearts and spades. i had the PERFECT JOKER SET. and then i got smacked with the violet vessel. evil. i must try again. in my valorant efforts i will be...... Balatro.......

8-15-25

im on my third rewatch of midsommar. i was gonna watch hereditary but i think im saving that watch for C.S., so i picked another ari aster movie.

i really have a lot to say about the visual composition of some of these shots. like...

look at this beautiful, symbolic shot. here's my interpretation, based on things that jump out at me.

look at the plants creeping in on the side. we can see, established from the painting at the beginning of the movie, that plants are associated with the seasons of life, vitality, fertility: spring and into summer. this is a nice foreshadowing to their fate, representing the coming life that will arise from this horrific death and drawing an association with the lush forests and meadows of the harga. also, these are potted plants. i agree with the interpretation that dani is swedish or is linked to the harga in some way, and i think this would be a great way to display that. if the forestry and meadows are connected with the harga and their value of fertility, the "domesticated" forestry could represent her harnessed national identity, buried deep inside where it can do no harm to others.

in order to get to my point about the lamps, let's look at the vertical symmetry of the shot: christian sits on the right half of the shot, where dani's head is laying. dani straddles both shots, lying across the couch. the harga (... and the movie in general) bring up all of these points about the dual-sided nature of things and dichotomies and cycles and things being interconnected. dani is balanced, in which she is evenly represented on both sides of the shot. christian, on the other hand, is visually imbalanced. he breaks up the harmony of the shot.

christian is sitting on the side representing dani's old or current life: focused on christian (the academic, represented by his books) and facing away from her "destined life" or "inborn life" (the painting behind it and the plants to the right of the lamp). this is the start of dani's initiation into her new life, or the left. the lamp disperses light onto the painting (representing the cycle of the moon, associated with femininity) and the plants below it (again. harga). the paintings are also in a nice blue-yellow balance with each other.

note the harga's storytelling and reading method: they tell stories visually right to left. THE SHOT IS IN LINE WITH HOW THE HARGA TELL STORIES. that to me is the COOLEST detail of all of it.

everything is in balance, and everything tells a story that has already been told before and will be told again.

i also love how it's night and winter. whew. nice job.

or, look at this shot:

i have much less to say about this, but look at the way they're turned away from each other here. this reminds me a lot of the beginning of act 2 of the crucible, where elizabeth and john proctor are facing away from each other to represent their emotional distance.

also, their clothes are contrasting each other a little. dani's wearing a lighter colored top that's gray and dark pants. christian is wearing an entirely (what seems like, but may not be, but take my word for it) black outfit. the gray top almost seems to represent how christian has "tainted" her purity (white) and impacted her thus far.

ooooh. the picture to dani's right also represents to me the harga's beliefs on storytelling and the cycles of time and nature. dani, even before the moment i took this shot, took the pose of the lady in the picture: facing away, staring at something else. while this analysis would probably be a lot better if i knew the names of all of these photos/paintings, i really dont unfortunately. we can also see this connecting to the art of the harga describing the cycles of time and life, as the mural at the beginning of the movie foretells the entire movie and the tapestry foretells the love spell and its effects on christian.

in a lot of the early shots, dani is mirroring the clothes of the person shes "revolving around" or mirroring the most, further solidifying the idea that she has a prior link to the harga or at least some aspect of them that stands out (the mirroring). in the shot where she's talking to pelle, she's wearing lighter blue, and he's wearing dark blue. in a lot of christian's shots, she's wearing lighter, diluted versions of his clothes.

i love this movie ..... a lot. so much. ive got so many thoughts. the movie repeats this notion of balance and cycles, et cetera, that are just super interesting to look at and interpret. i dont think theres one correct interpretation of anything here, i LOVE all of it.

anyway, ive spent the last few days coming up back home. i spent a night with CS again, and i've been enjoying the last of my break before college starts back up again. nose, meet grindstone. im especially excited to have an excuse to use the whiteboards and writing walls. i have a bunch of stuff to do ....... but im really excited for everything to start up again. im composing a list of things i want to do in my city in my free week before i get beaten over the head by calculus 3. theres a pinball arcade that has student wednesdays for like.... $10all day ??!!!!!! and theres a whole like... square i discovered with CS today that has so much cool stuff. theres a cat bookstore i want to apply to work at and this gigantic antique store with cool, curated clothes.....

i want to go back maybe when i have spare cash and look at it. i found a lot of cheap merch for my school; really comfortable, good quality clothes. really interesting styles, too, in other clothes. stuff i might not have even considered wearing but i really like. lots of jorts, too, which ive been looking for for a while.

ill have to get the dive on other things. i think the video lounge is around there, and they have old movies im curious about. they also host movie days i think, which is super cool!!!!! i just cant... take the movies home because i cant play them and dont have the cash to buy a vhs or cassette player. still, i wanna watch some mooooooooviessssssss

one bad thing is that when i was taking my car up yesterday, i completely forgot my ice tray. so i either need to go buy an ice tray or deal with it until september. i think ill just deal with it until september.

8-17-25

WHY CANT EVERYTHING ON CAMPUS BE OPEN JUST FOR ME!!!!!!

im back home now and im getting increasingly frustrated by the fact that everything either seems to open tomorrow or monday. like... yes, im here and i wanna do things that dont involve drinking or spending an exorbitant amount of money. sue me. let me go to the gym at least. oh wait. the gym opens WEDNESDAY FOR SOME REASON. ohh wait i could go to the lake for paddleboarding. BUT IT OPENS THURSDAY.

i could go wander around campus and see if theres any free stuff for students and their families moving in, but i also dont wanna drive all that way if theres nothing. maybe tomorrow ill go drive in and work on the webpage a little bit more and walk around. there was a lot of free stuff during the summer semester, so i wont doubt that theres an excess during the fall, where theres even more students. the only thing im worried about is parking. parking is going to be an absolute nightmare as far as i know. it was bad enough during the summer, but during the fall when everyone's back???? dear god.

but maybe it won't be as bad as i think. i can always take a bike, except i forgot mine at home (ooups). at least i brought my shoe rack.

something exciting that is happening tomorrow though is that i have the first meeting for this study i signed up for. it's about 3 hours long and theyre gonna put an eeg cap on my head. pretty cool!! i also have group therapy!

i went to the bank for the first time in a while. i cant believe CDs for my bank are optimized at 5 months now. when i first learned about CDs and interest-bearing accounts the optimal CD was at 2 years. 5 months?? really?? then again, things have been getting super uncertain so i totally understand, and my bank doesnt penalize for pulling money out of the CD before the term ends, but oh my god did it frighten me so bad. im gonna wait until CDs optimize at a year or at 4-5% apy at my bank to deposit into a CD depending on how the attitudes change and how the wind blows.

everything with my money is now sorted out though. the good part of having nothing to do is now im so frustrated that im doing the menial tasks that i didnt really want to do before i got super bored. so now im re-organizing my money, emailing, switching in and out of classes... im trying to drop this computer science public speech lab because im switching out of computer science, but idk if i really can, so i sent an email. im also having a lot of trouble with the organization that pays my tuition, since theyre billing my prepaid, which is super annoying. i need that reimbursement!! please!!!!!!!!!!

speaking of money i went and visited a new store yesterday with my friend who is staying in my house and i found these pants that i like, but the price is absolutely way too expensive for the quality. they're these patchwork pants; baggy, super comfortable, multiple colors, huge pockets, really flowy and nice. but theyre like FIFTY DOLLARS. fifty dollars is way too much for a pair of pants that will last 3 hand-washes. some of the stuff was cheap, like the spell candles, but the pants and clothes section was..... dear god expensive.

one thing i havent been able to plan for is spring break. i wanna save for a trip or do something fun and exciting, but im not sure how much stuff is restricted by my age. which sucks major balls

i think im noticing a pattern where ill instinctively fight back or find holes in things that dont make sense, i just dont really logic it out or justify it until it simmers in my head for a little while. like, i was having a conversation with my friend's mom about the catholic church and her observation of the first communion and she said it like they were dressing seven year olds up like brides and making them engage in cannibalism. im not remotely christian or catholic, i literally just believe in respect. ive been interested in the catholic church for a long while, maybe as long as ive been into the divine comedy. peoples interpretations of whats generally going on theologically is super interesting to me. and that immediately stuck out to me but i didnt remember the exact spiritual reasons for the white dresses and veils, i just generally found communion being described as cannibalism odd from someone who is very stubborn and headstrong about spirituality and pagan practices. i think maybe she had a bad experience with christianity maybe and didnt educate herself or know what sanctity the practice holds? i just think it's weird to criticize or go after other religions but get offended when other people criticize your own practices. criticism is a two-way street. maybe it was a joke that i wasnt understanding or getting? it mightve been that. but either way, i found it weird when i heard it and i poked at it (like.. no, communion is not cannibalism and the church is the bride of christ, not just the people) but i didnt really know why it affected me or why i responded that way until later. intuitively, i knew something was wrong but couldnt back it up yet without putting in more effort to think about it.

i also dont think i can say that people should stop reacting with aggression because of the attitude of correction i have towards it, that sounds hypocritical. i just think more people should get the habit of gathering info and then making conclusions about it. exaggeration and defamiliarization can lead to unnecessary hate. like maybe also i was biased but i think the principle still stands

8-18-25

this week draws to a close the long quest to wake up at 0700 instead of 0900. see, i have a dreaded 8 am class next semester and ive been on a steady journey to try to get myself to go to bed earlier. granted my reading of tom stoppard plays is probably not helping, but ive recently been enabled and have no choice but to indulge. i think, honestly, im fated to wake up at 8 am rather than before. im thinking maybe if i establish a routine where theres something i could be doing besides getting up (like.. let's say i want to go to the gym at 6, but then i postpone and dont get out of bed until seven. im up earlier but i feel very very naughty and self-indulgent not going to the gym early, but im up earlier because i had a previous obligation that i let myself shun, so now i have the energy to get out of bed at 7 because ive tricked my brain into thinking that im gaining more energy by shunning a task. i call this loaning energy)

my day was thrilling!!!! last week, i lost the key to my mailbox in my condo complex and since im awaiting extremely important mail i kind of need it. my theory that i left it in one of my pockets is a law!!!! i was correct and there is a 'what' to my 'why'!!!!!!!! hooray!!!!!!!! now i get to go walk to the mailbox and not feel sad and dejected.

my day of productivity and handling menial tasks has paid off. the only issue is that they arent charging my free ride scholarship and theyre charging the wrong account for my tuition hours. which sucks major massive bawlz. i sent an email in about that too and they told me the new refunds would come in in 72 hours, so im gonna.... wait and see and if not ill bitch and complain (which i love doing)

drop/add doesnt start next week, which is kind of annoying. again, my day of productivity and boredom paid off, because i now have permission to drop this annoying oratory lab and replace it with a more fun one. it's an ethics in computer science public speaking group project lab. which, i dont have a problem with the first three parts of that: 'ethics,' 'computer science,' and 'public speaking' are all things i love to talk about and love to learn about. 'group project?' No . Nuh uh. i dont want to. Dont make me . pLease. Please. Pleaes. Pleaesese. please. Please. so i got the email this morning that i could drop it and i cheered. i now have to enroll in the next few classes to solidify my double major:

• enroll in foundations of the air force 1
• enroll in intro to proofs class
• ..... either that or enroll in chem 1. thinking more on this

im not really sure if i wanna do the proofs class or chem 1. i dont know if my regular schedule is challenging enough or if im going to be piss bored with so much free time. i think also im gonna wait on the proofs class. i guess ill decide when i get there or maybe ill schedule a meeting with my advisor this week.

i also attended the first meeting for this study i enrolled myself in. i got there, they made me spit in a cup, and then i took a questionnaire while she put an eeg cap on my head. the conductive gel is cold, and the syringe applicator rolls it on in thick clumps while she twirls my hair out of the way. getting to see my head react to certain thoughts or cognitive activities was cool though.

i did the following tasks in order...

1. complete a computer task where i was told to rate images based on pleasantness and unpleasantness. the first half of the task, i was not supposed to actively encode them. the second half, i was told i would need to recall the images later. doing it was strange. i sat there half distracted thinking about what pleasantness and unpleasantness meant.i felt kind of ambivalent the entire way through. some things, i really dont want to look at, but the general composition of the shot is nice. i got so tied up in mental knots i went based on pure instinct. i ended up selecting a picture of shirtless men as unpleasant.
2. complete a computer task where i was told to click a key a certain amount of times before guessing which of two doors had a prize behind it. if i picked the 'correct' door, id get 50 cents. if i picked the 'incorrect' door, 25 cents was subtracted from my answer. i tried to establish a pattern and think, but i ended up realizing that either way that i picked, id end up with about 3/4 of the total reward, picking completely randomly. thats just statistics. after realizing there was no discernible pattern, i just picked the left door the entire time and ended up with 7.50; exactly 75% of the total reward.
3. complete a computer task where i had to focus on a middle arrow out of 5 arrows and click either a left or right button on a controller to indicate which direction it was going. the arrow would flash for a handful of milliseconds before disappearing. my accuracy was shown at the end. it wasnt really remarkable, mainly because i got really distracted and started to wander off in my head, so i dont really remember the middle portion of it, other than the fact that my body was kind of just autopiloting it.
4. complete a computer task where i had to click the left button for a blue dot on either the left or right portion of the screen or the right button for a red dot on either the left or right portion of the screen. there was a diagnostic section where they didnt tell me there was going to be a point system introduced or that i could compete against other participants, so i tried my general best and didnt think too much of the inaccuracies. then, the second portion of the task showed up: if i got it right, it would grant me points (out of 100) based on the milliseconds i improved from my original range of reaction times for that side of the screen; the better i did, the more points. if i got it slow, but correct, i would get 0 points. if i got it wrong, it would randomly subtract 0-100 points. i locked in. the test caps you at 10,000 points for a tangible reward, but i ended up getting 17,498, a stupid crazy number. so, i got my money's worth, i'd say. i tried counting streaks of +100 points but i lost count. that task was the highlight of the entire study.
5. complete a computer task where i had to recall the second portion of images id seen from the first task and try to recall the color of the border. they were mixed in with a set of new images, either unrelated or strangely similar. i think i got most of them correct, my recognition is really good, but the only things i know i failed to recognize for certain were the colors of the borders. either way, i think i got the recognition test down.
6. i finished with a baseline resting task where they monitored my brain activity staring at a dot and then resting and closing my eyes. both were done in 2 minute intervals.

i honestly didnt think it was too much of a bother. the psychologists were really nice and i had a great time. the girl who applied my cap was super funny. i have to do surveys twice daily and i opted to let them track my location. i'm not really bothered by that stuff, everyone was really nice and i left with a bit of cash.

doing the inventories reminded me that im doing much better than i was a while ago. thats always a nice thought to have.

8-19-25

my computer's graphics driver has been FREAKING OUT recently. since the intel one is kind of wonking out, im considering reverting to the installed microsoft driver so i dont have to hook it up to an external display every time i want to save all my progress. i was working on my gadgets page and it freaked out. i thought i got rid of the problem since i updated the driver and ran diagnostics to make sure it wasnt like a hardware problem or anything, but here it is going insane and shutting down.

for now, im operating off the microsoft driver and not the intel one. which is ok, it's just not super high-quality and a little difficult to get used to. im considering taking it to campus tech support once it opens up, which is..... i dont know when.

i made a friend who also likes transformers on campus! we saw whiplash today. sometimes i forget im a musician and jazz and music is the actual stuff and love of my soul, because i walked out of that movie completely breathless. i have my own separate thoughts on whiplash, but i had my breath like ... rippped out of my lungs with every new hit or strike of the drum. the ending scene was so important to me. "PLAY UPSWINGING??" oh my ogd..... Ohm ymgod........

i've played the trumpet for about 9-10 years now. i'll hit a decade soon, im sure. i've been interested and exposed to jazz my whole life. my parents were both musicians. my dad was a saxophonist and my mom was a trombonist, so i was always kind of around music for as long as i can remember. but i have my own special relationship to it. i've had a complicated relationship with people who have tried to teach me music, mostly because a recent director of mine made me... hate music and playing in a marching band due to his incompetence. i hated his lack of management and the load of work i had to take on just to make my section work. i trusted the four people in my section and oversaw a larger brass section, but i feel always like i was cheated and i did more of the directing and teaching than he did.

i've been trying to respark that passion for playing that i did. i love music, but i hated playing because i was forced to. i was always pushed into the position where i was prized or placed responsibility on for being 'good enough to handle it' when i didnt really want it. i dont mind leading people and im certainly better than others at it, but above all, i wanted to play my instrument more than i wanted to manage other people playing theirs. and theres an important distinction between 'manage' and 'lead,' because i was managing and leading, but a lot of people were just managing.

i want to try to practice and keep it up on my own before i go back to playing with others. i was thinking about auditioning for DCI next summer because i didnt get an opportunity to do it this past summer because i started going to college. i have a lot of work to do considering i havent played in a few months, but i want to try to rekindle my love for marching and playing with others. i love music. i cant stay away from it, and i dont want to neglect my bond with it just because ive got more science-y things going on.

whiplash reaffirmed that love for me. im still breathless thinking about the music, and ive been out of the theatre for hours. i firmly believe in a balance to life. like... i have my more serious pursuits, like going to school for computer engineering. but i also have my fun pursuits, like taking care of this webpage and playing music. life isnt complete without its serious pursuits (like the pursuit for truth, pursuit for knowledge, or pursuit for cold hard cash) and the fun pursuits. but it comes with its own purpose. some people blend their fun and serious pursuits. for me, if my life's out of balance i get seriously horribly depressed or have deficits that lead to the overall poor health of the pursuit i favor. if i neglect the serious pursuit of school i cant critically engage with my fun pursuits. if i neglect my fun pursuits i cant enjoy my serious pursuits like i want to.

i cant just toss years of loving and devoting myself to music out of the window because i had a shitty director and manager. it's denying myself the opportunity to balance my life out with something i can throw my entire spirit into. theres rationality i can employ every single day, and then there's feeling, and i can just dump all of that intensity and feeling into music. i cant just pretend those years of love dont exist, id be literally emotionally stifling myself

i sat there in the theatre and i knew i'd found something that had been missing for a while that i never realized that i missed so much.

also, listening to billy joel again. not eventful, but i do love his previous more political work. 'goodbye saigon' is becoming a personal favorite, although im really into the entirely of 'the nylon curtain' recently. i just.... love hearing mr joel sing about industrial society man hes so damn good at it. im not really into that style of music i think, but i really enjoy the spins he puts on it. hes got a lot of really underrated works.

today was generally pretty uneventful though, besides whiplash. im waiting for my model kit to come tomorrow. i think my brains going back into a slump so that means i have to go spend more time in the sun!!!!!!!!

8-23-25

what??? what day is it again?? what do you mean it's friday?? oh my god......

i just came back ffrom a midnight showing of 'get out.' for context, my university has a movie theatre and they sometimes do movies starting at midnight. this is one of those movies. i shouldnt have watched it at midnight if i was going to watch it, but i thought it was a really good movie!! jordan peele's humor is lost on a lot of people, but i feel like the 'sex slave' bit was utilized really well. i didnt have any personal gripes and if i did, they wouldnt be mine to make. i thought it was an incredibly well done movie, both in terms of cinematography and related choices, as well as occupation and storywriting. it's a brilliantly written story!

the 'white person wearing a mask' picture in the back of the shot of the apartment close to the beginning (i dont have a screengrab because im writing this at 2 am) is.... so brilliant. i saw that and i was like ohhh my fucking god. peeking out through the eyeholes. what a fucking way of foreshadowing things. it's right in your face but you dont see it.

before i drove out to go see it, my friends warned me it was a jumpscare-heavy movie and i did in fact expect jumpscares. i hate jumpscares. ive largely avoided watching horror movies exactly because of the jumpscares. im not a horror fan because im not a jumpscare fan. all of the jumpscares are negated by the fact that i just curl up in my seat and put my hands over my ears, because the sound tends to get me way more than the visual. it does a great job of building tension, though! again, i have nothing but absolute praise for the movie. also, im so curious about what my friends exactly said about the movie because they made me cover my ears with my hands and go 'lalallala' while they discussed spoilers.

speaking of the late entry, im in another weird slump. i think itll go away once class starts or maybe i just start walking in the sun more often, because that usually helps get rid of it anyway. sometimes i still have trouble getting out of bed when im spending a lot of time in the sun, but it's..... not as bad as sending emails in and entirely skipping things. i can drag myself through it kicking and screaming. i need to get back into a structured schedule. theres also people in my space (im letting one of my friends and her mom stay over while they sort their lives out) so i think thats part of why it's hitting really hard. in my living room is fine i just dont like people in my bedroom when i need to sit and stare at the wall for 3 hours

i've been wearing a lot of athleisure recently. it's flexible, comfortable, and relatively lightweight and easy to move in, which i really enjoy! but one of the personal gripes i have with it is the complete lack of pockets. i mean, i have things to carry. i have my phone, my earbuds, my keys.... even at the gym, where i can store all of my stuff in a convenient handy dandy locker, i still want to carry around my phone to change my music or listen to the news and i dont want to put it on the floor or on top of the machine. one of my shorts already handles this pretty conveniently by installing one singular pocket in the gym shorts sewn in under the outer layer of shorts (the inner layer is tight to the skin, and the outer layer is baggier and more like a running short), but it's super annoying only having one pocket to carry all of my stuff in. where else am i gonna store it? nowhere. i dont wanna put it anywhere else but my damn pockets. i dont wanna carry around a tote bag or a purse or a backpack for my keys, earbuds, and phone. none of those things makes my utilities easy and accessible. it's legitimately so easy. i think i just bought clothes without really thinking like 'god, it's gonna be super annoying to carry my shit around,' but whatever. ill think about it next time. i also think i want to try experimenting more with the brands of clothes i buy, because im sick of relying on the same super overpriced brands for bad quality. so, if anyone knows any legitimately good and worthy necessities or clothes brands, id be happy to take a look.

wearing athleisure has also made me aware of a lot of social things i wasnt before. a lot of people initially judge based on clothes and outer appearance. it's what makes the whole 'first impression' business so important. so im seeing people in really cool clothes and complimenting them, but i feel awkward and kind of out of place. i hope they feel that my vibe is really good. i also hope they can see all the keys jingling out of my pocket so they dont go off in my pocket, a signifier that im totally in alliance with them.

i also just think social things are weird anyway. i notice them, i just kind of....... jot them down and go about my day. i wish me wearing certain clothes didnt make me more or less approachable or 'safe to talk to.' like, clothing can definitely be a signifier of like .... the kinds of music you like or media you enjoy as a conversation starter, but i feel like if you wont go talk to someone because of their style or their association with your in-group or your perception of them following fashion-related norms i feel like i dont want to be friends with you anyway

maybe thats too judgy. i just think it's worth reflecting on and thinking on why that train of thought exists. ive been trying to really go and challenge things i believe about approaching new people.

actually, really funny, i was recently told i was a people person. ive NEVER been told that before. i am not, i mean NOT a people person. i have never been remotely described as social or outgoing or warm or friendly. so to hear that was really jarring. i guess it kind of changed the way i perceived my interactions, ive been told i can be kind of cold and weird? so i heard that and it affected me way more than i thought it did because now im sitting here like having normal interactions with people and having some competency in the way im talking to people and it's a little nice. like, i think it was happening way before that and i was gaining confidence to participate in society as like a remotely normal seeming person, but that kind of made me steadily more aware of exactly how much ive changed. i think i had a problem where i 'other'ed myself constantly and went in assuming i was already seen as weird. so..... willful self-ignorance or actual social competency, im not sure. but for once, i think im doing something right.

ive started kicking my caffeine habit! ive been drinking less diet coke. i realized i kind of have a problem and stopped buying it so the only way i could get it was going to the union and purchasing a diet coke. i love diet coke so much, but i need to stop buying and drinking so much of it. it gets to a point. im also trying out the bottled iced coffee from the store since it's pretty cheap, and it actually tastes pretty good. it has kind of a nutty quality to it. one of my friends tried to convince me that orange juice and iced coffee was a yummy combo but i am not so convinced. needs more testing.

im crossing something off my bucket list and getting an fmri done! not for anything special, i just qualified for this study and ive always wanted to be in an fmri. i just think theyre really cool. i think brain imaging is super cool. sometimes i consider changing my major to something in premed i just ............... man i dont know. i love computers. i love brains too. theyre kind of similar.

CS was right, i absolutely did get attached to brainstorm. i really just think he's neat. he's so cool. i dont really have any thoughts, i just think hes neat. reading all the panels related to his background made a lot of him-related things make sense. i was rereading some of mtmte and lost light and the panel where him and nightbeat and everyone get all excited (he gets excited specificallly because of the parallel universe) made me actually be like :-)))) HE JUST LOOKS SO COOL!!!!!!!!!! he makes me smile!!!!!!!!!!! hes joyous and whimsical and excited in this panel yes !!!!!! yes!!!!!!! ok adding brainstorm shrine to the list

speaking of my rereading, i..... have been staring directly at chromedome a lot recently. i wanna put him in my pocket and scurry off. hes..... oh my god. ohhhh my god. im hjust like ohhhh. ohhhh chromedome we're really in for it now huh..........

8-25-25

college today!! fall semester started. i have a load with a couple of classes but hopefully that'll help me ease more into it, give me more time for dicking around. im trying to switch into a chemistry lecture so i can get some requirements out of the way and hopefully not dick around during the spring but shhh.

i wasnt initially gonna write today, just because i was so tired, but i think it's still good for me to jot some things down even if they're not the longest nor most productive thoughts id ever had.

i get to go get an fmri done tomorrow!!! weee yayayyayyy!!!!!!!! the people seemed nice and reasonable over email. hopefully tomorrow we start getting into some material and things start picking up class-wise. i made a space on here i can upload my class notes just to have them someplace besides my notebook or tablet, so hopefully that helps me out at least a little. writing it down and interacting with it also helps me engage with the information in a more active, meaningful way, so it'll also help me understand it. all of you are my rubber ducks now yay!!!

campus today was really crowded. i think im a little spoiled from summer semester. theres so many people all the time, all over the place. i get why people prefer smaller colleges now, but a smaller college and student body would probably scare me since id know everyone. hopefully it gets less crowded once people figure things out. im lucky enough to have my math class sooner rather than later so i can actually find a place to park, and plus maybe waking up earlier will help me get back on a normal sleep schedule and not staying up until the ungodly hours of the night staring at a live code editor. but i had a really hard time actually finding someplace to sit and watch my shows while i eat my lunch. granted, it is also butt fucking hot outside, so it's not like i can sit outside. also, my little nook i established is halfway across campus and i cant just walk there and then walk like 30 minutes back to my programming class.

i also figured out why i was in a weird slump: I WAS SICK. im on antibiotics and hopefully that should help my body fight the infection. i got the medicine drug oooooo........ proud owner of a medicine drug

house and wilson have such a weirder relationship in the 3rd season. they are so strange to each other. house tests him and pushes him until he breaks, and wilson refuses to break. he bends, but he will not break. they are..... wow theyre something.

flavor foley apparently released a rhythm-heaven inspired single i didnt stare directly at, and i LOVE IT!!!! ive been obsessed with rhythm games for forever, and rhythm heaven is a fortunate extension of that. plus, i think the tuning and general usage of teto's voice was so awesome. i dont know a ton about vocaloid and utauloid composition and playing, but i think it sounded pretty good and all the little rhythm heaven notes and nods were so.... it made it so unbelievably, undeniably catchy. i was like.... wow no matter what shes singing about she sure is fucking singing it huh. we're really in for it now teto huh

i keep quoting house-isms. this vexes me

i also finally watched scary movie. it was very scary. WAZZAAAAAPPPPPPP

not much writing,... first day exhausted me. hopefully soon i will have more developed thoughts on hilsons weird gay antics and toxic yaoi

8-28-25

my scheduling woes are OVER!!

since i need 15 credits for this program im in and a later calc 3 class didnt actually end up opening up, now im in a discrete mathematics class for my major and getting a major requirement down while meeting credit requirements. i was in a little bit of a panic over that, but now that it's over i guess im in the clear.

ive officially made the switch from chrome to firefox. it was coming for a long time, i think. i was starting to loathe chromes incompatibility with basic stuff like ublock origin or its intolerance of ublock origin lite. dont get me wrong, ublock origin lite is still a super efficient extension and does its job (in fact, for easily removing html elements, i kind of prefer ublock origin lite) but not being able to access ublock origin as an extension was kind of the final straw for me. plus, my roommate is experiencing advertising woes. i personally have a deepseated hatred of commercials and advertisements of any kind, i get instantly agitated whenever i see them or even think of marketing. i loathe it. plus i mean.... the only thing that was kind of holding me back was my access to my browsing data and passwords, but once i learned i could just export those i literally made the switch in the middle of my programming class. it was that easy. i like it more for customizability. i found some cute themes i really like, but the theme system in general and finding features to use is a little difficult.

by the time i'm actually FINISHING this blog entry, the week is now over :-) ive been getting busy adjusting and having people in my house and getting the people out of my house that i havent had time to do much upkeep or tidy up the various tidbits of this website and fix up various pages/pretty up others, so im hoping to do that. i got to see my dad this weekend, which was pretty great!! i miss him a lot and love him, so it was nice to spend some time with him this weekend.

i met some other ultrakill fans through a server on campus, so ive been chatting and we all agreed to meet up and go to a movie. i wish i couldve gone and seen superbad on campus, but i would much rather choose the time spent with him over doing other things. it was a midnight showing anyway and im not too sure i wouldve been up that late. my friend invited me to go out and party, but i think im just gonna push it off to next friday instead if i dont end up trapped at this stupid social for this scholarship program im in.

ive been watching more house in my off time, and im absolutely joyful that season 1 wilson is back. theyve created a nice blend of 'houses conscience' and 'houses best buddy' in the second half of season 3. i just got kind of irritated with his behavior in relation to the cop, although i think 'finding judas' and the judas and jesus comparison to wilson and house was a nice touch and a great climax for that whole shindig. i just... absolutely hated the cop. i hated the cop im sorry hes agitating and such a gratingly similar foil he does such an excellent job at being such a dick and i dont like him.

im also considering switching from windows to debian. i think if im going to make the switch, it's at a time where i have absolutely nothing to lose from doing it. at the very least i want to dual boot linux onto my laptop. now that i dont just have my pc, i can kind of experiment with linux without worrying if im just gonna straight up lose everything. i dont have very much on my laptop that isnt on a hard drive, so i think im gonna try to do the installation tomorrow.

even with firefox, i dont think ill much escape the 'i want total non-invasion and privacy' unless i completely manage my web experience or completely dedicate myself to just trying to build my own browser or figuring out how they work. firefox is even agitating me at this point, and i cant exactly figure out why. i think it's because of this massive fiasco i had the other day where the plugin packages were eating up my cpu percentage even though i wasnt really doing anything except keeping a firefox tab open.

i really..... dont want to go through that trouble. i just dont want reminders every like 5 minutes that i can put an ai chatbot on my toolbar because i dont want an ai chatbot on my toolbar. i dont want helpful suggestions at all whatsoever and i loathe my life being made easier or more convenient on the web in any shape or form now.

9-7-25

IM WRITING THIS ENTRY FROM MY LINUX MACHINEEEE!!!!! GOODBYE WINDOWS!!!!!!!!

im dual booting mint and debian on the same machine. i dont have a windows partition because windows got kind of screwy when configuring the boot order and pretty much told me to fuck off when i tried allotting more disk space for debian so i just wrote over the entire disk. greedy windows was eating up 200 gb of disk space on my 512gb ssd. the reason why im dual booting two distros like this is because of mint linux's compatibility with proton and general... ease of use, so debian is kind of my experimentation distro and mint is my 'ok i need one that is easy for me to use in the moment while i do the uber-complicated stuff on debian later in my bedroom at 2 am dicking around with the terminal'

im surprised with how much space i have to run everything now. i have a lot of breathing room in relation to experimentation and customization. one thing that does piss me off is that the new versions of mint arent compatible with metacity, so i cant change the windows, but i think thisll change if i just switch windows managers or boot into another distro of mint with window border customization or metacity compatibility.

booting into debian for the first time was absolutely exciting. ive just spent the last couple of days tinkering around with it and it's... legitimately so easy to use. theres so much help and bash is incredibly intuitive and easy to learn. theres niche differences but for the most part i havent had any issues. a friend of mine recommended once i get more comfortable with the command line to try out arch, but im not...... entirely sure.

i also made good friends with those fans on campus woohoo!!! ive been hanging out with 2 of them more consistently and it has been a lot of fun 2 say the least. im just happy to have someone to talk abt 'x niche media here' with. ive also gotten some pretty good movie and song recommendations so ive got lots to go over in my free time.

it seems like i have so much free time now, and i dont really know what to do with it. i guess ive always been kind of busy? so now im like hmmmm....... i think my recent obsession with linux is just another thing to manage my boredom. honestly, ive been meaning to make the switch for a while, so once i kind of got settled with classes and learned that everything for my major is way easier to access on linux (vim, server access, etc) and i can just... boot into windows with a virtual machine if theres really some niche piece of software i cant get on linux or cant open with wine or proton, it made the switch way easier.

i cut my hair recently too!! i think i found a fix for how flat and weird my hair gets by waiting for a while after i shower and then braiding it and leaving it in braids overnight. when i take the braids out in the morning, my hair has a lot more volume and holds really nice and well. plus, the wavy look is kind of nice. it remains soft throughout the day instead of deflating immediately. plus cutting my hair has gotten rid of a lot of annoying split ends.

one issue im consistently running into on linux that i didnt with windows is that peacock doesnt run on linux firefox. when i was running firefox on windows, it streamed peacock perfectly fine. i got a free subscription with my wifi, so i figured i could use it to watch the paper or house, but it just straight up... doesnt work. no 'your device is incompatible,' just 'there was a playback error.' so im gonna spend the rest of the time trying to figure out whats going on with it.

also, i finished SEASON 3 of house. INCREDIBLE. i hated the little arc going on in the middle with tritter, but nobody talks about how the first scene of season 4 literally foreshadows the rest of the season: IT'S A PASTICHE OF THE OFFICE!!!! THE REST OF SEASON 4 MAKES FUN OF POPULAR TV!!!!!!!!!!!!

9-12-25

seven days ago was the month anniversary of this blog and i missed it what the heck!!!!!

college is exhilarating. lots of fun. im currently faced with a weird decision over whether or not i want to do my college's 3+1 program and get my MS or do a dual degree sort of thing. the issue is im currently stuck between 3 things id love to do and could absolutely see myself doing for the rest of my life. i see all of these things that id love to do and id absolutely hate to miss out on any of them. i dont want it to be like a hobby thing either. i love computer architecture, math, and the brain. two of those things have overlapping degrees that it's very possible i could do the 3+1 for both, but the other thing is a sore thumb and requires me to go to med school. im conflicted and i dont want to make this decision now but it's getting to the point where i have to plan early. this scholarship thing im in offers like support and life advice but the situation feels so unique that it's impossible to tell what im supposed to do or which decision will leave me with the least regret.

i do love computer science and computer architecture but i hate the way that computer science and CS is approached. i dont really see myself working in software development or software engineering? and i have a lot of thoughts about switching, but when it comes down to it i still love it no matter how much i hate the approach of it. i want to learn everything i can about it and the way that even just systems built for shipping packages are built and how they work fascinates me and id love to do it or build something like it some day. i want to learn how it works so i can replicate it and do it for myself so i can feel some sense of accomplishment, or so that i can struggle endlessly and grapple with it and then figure out how it works. i want to build something that works not necessarily that people love, but just for me. i want to learn enough to get outraged and recognize when things are done wrong or built poorly.

i don't really know what i enjoy about math, but i do get way more of a sense of accomplishment when i write a proof or actually solve a problem or build up lemmas in this ginormous conjecture than writing a program and then going back and fixing it and never being satisfied with the end result. neuroscience is kind of the same way; a lifetime of research literally fascinates me, but at the same time, i cant let go of my love for CS and the way computers work.

ill probably think more about it or make tables or whatever

besides that, ive spent most of my time watching more house. i binged season 4 across 3 days and now im at the end of it yayyy!!!! im about to enter houses head/wilsons heart but im reserving a day where i have the time to sit and write about the implications for their relationship after this because oh my god...... Ohhh my god.......

i got a cup of soooup from my friend today..... it is chicken broth..... yummyy...... i am thinking of pairing with a few veggies and putting it with roasted potatoes maybe....... i still dont know what to do with it but i do have a cup of soup.

i went to a math seminar today!!!! it was all about knot theory and knitting. i had a lot of fun and got to meet some cool people and ask cool questions, which brought up my whole 'wait i love this what the heck!!!' mindset in the first place. but anyway, i had prior experience in topology so i had a bunch of fun!!!! it was very understandable and there were lots of interesting questions brought up. it was mostly geared towards undergrad/grad physics students so there wasnt a whole bunch about the topology and knot theory itself but there was still some nice tidbits thrown in.

9-20-25

i'm writing this in the dead of night at 2:01 AM after getting back from a movie, and that's how you know how serious i am about this entry.

i saw hedwig and the angry inch, which i absolutely loved dissecting and picking apart and watching. WHAT AN EXPERIENCE!!!! I need to rewatch it to catch certain things that im sure i missed or appreciate certain details, but in terms of moviegoing, that is PRIME FUCKING PICKINGS!!!!!!!

but what i've been faced with in the past couple of days is this joy but heartache that i get to experience going to a great movie and interpreting it for myself. i think too many people rob themselves of the joy that is picking apart a terrific movie or not knowing anything about a movie and doing some damn research. the tiniest, most nonsensical theory will do. i loved hedwig and the angry inch and the best part of the movie was going and sitting in a theatre full of people who had respect for the movie and its messages and wanted to understand what it was talking about.

symbolism and motifs and messages are confusing!!!!! yes they are!!!!!! it is so easy to just listen to someone else's opinion on it!! but the most fun i've ever had was trying to pick apart the most i could about a piece of media i really really enjoyed before going and asking someone else. not listening to, but discussing with. the most fun a moviegoer can have is having an avid discussion with someone who also watched the film with intent to understand about what the film was about. i don't understand determinists in the way that someone can determine they won't understand or can't do something before they watch it. the worst part about all of this is that those stupid motivational speeches about fixed vs. growth thoughts were actually kind of right and i hate it. identity and thoughts are fluid and subject to change. text has no objective meaning. media has no objective meaning. nobody can tell you or be correct about whatever x interpretation about this y thing is. nobody is correct and that is literally the most fun anyone can have ever.

i dont get the point of arguing over incorrect or correct interpretations and i dont get deference. i know why it happens, and i understand it, but i dont engage in it because it makes no logical sense to me. nobody is right about anything, and it's great that they aren't because we can all understand each other through our understanding of something and try to come up with drastically different fun meanings. we can appreciate how fucking great this thing is because it brought so many awesome people together. the best part is we have all experienced something different SO WHY WOULD YOU ALLOW SOMEONE TO STEAL THAT JOY FROM YOU???

the joy is literally having an individual interpretation. the joy is being an individual human person with thought and experiences and personality and character and things to say that came out of your own mouth. why would you ever let someone steal that joy from you. why would you fix your entire future on terrible things. i literally dont get it.

i think it's also because ive made such a strong shove trying to figure out who i am and what im into this past year that that way of thinking is fundamentally incompatible with the person that ive made myself into. i don't want to be that person anymore who just relies on others to tell them what to do. i want to find out what i think and why and discover some way of life i havent discovered yet, make some gigantic foray into something i didnt really know id like but i do. ive invested so much time into that that i dont understand outsourcing your thinking somewhere else. the best part is having a sounding board for everything. the best part is the 'yes, and.' the best part is discovering how someone else thinks and piecing together bits of their life through how they view something. i dont want to live in pure consumption of something. i want to discuss and i want to understand and know more. i dont want to see, i want to observe and participate and thoughtfully engage with. i want to grow and realize that my past opinions were wrong and hold new ones and then discard those too. i want to change and become something else, i want to be impacted and i want to impact others and give them new opinions and hold theirs.

great things happen when people want to understand. not just understand, but want to.